Columbo Resurrected – Interviewing Commissioner Candidate Wallis

One of my all-time favorite TV characters was Columbo.  Can you imagine Columbo interviewing one of our candidates for County Commissioner?  The interview would likely go something like this:

Columbo Resurrected –

Excuse me Mr. Wallis, I mean Candidate Wallis, Sir.  Um . . I know you’re busy, and important and stuff.  I mean, running for County Commissioner is very important and — ah — I hate to bother you, Sir.  I will only take a minute. Ok, Sir?

See, I have these missing pieces that are holding me up, and I was wondering, Sir, if you could take time out of your busy schedule and help me out.  You know, no big deal, just some loose ends and things I need to sort out so we can decide who to vote for.

So if you could just help me out a minute and give me some information, I will get out of your way.  I want to close this case and maybe take the wife to Six Flags or something.  Ever been to Six Flags Sir?  No?  I didn’t think so…

Well, listen, anyway, I can’t seem to get some information I need to wrap this up.  Ya see Sir, there’s these claims on your website that I have to verify, but some details seem to be missing Sir.

I’m sure it’s just an oversight or glitch or something, so— oh wait a minute Sir,  I — I have a notebook here in one of these pockets. Oh here it is Sir – this won’t take long. I have a list of questions for you Sir that I wrote down — oh wait.  Sorry about the smears.  It was raining out.  I’ll just read it to you.

Could you please help me explain these things to the voters, Sir?

Your claim of being a business owner for 21 years. Wow – that’s impressive Sir – could you tell me the name of your business Sir – so I can look it up?

This won’t take much longer Sir, I just have a few more questions.

I searched for your name on the Parker County Appraisal District’s website Sir – but I couldn’t find you. I’m sure somebody left you off by mistake. You do pay property taxes don’t you Sir? A big successful business owner like you must surely own property that you pay taxes on. You know how the voters are Sir, they think the Commissioners that set their tax rate should – “feel their pain” – know what I mean Sir?

I bet there is a simple explanation for that $13,747 tax lien that the IRS filed against you at the County Clerk’s office back in February, 2009 – Sir, and I bet you’ll get that cleared up in no time.  Oh hey – I almost forgot about that article in the Weatherford Democrat – Sir, where you were quoted as saying the IRS does not have a lien against your property – and I bet you just forgot to say it’s because you don’t own any property.

Hey – and just between you and me Mr. Wallis – Sir, rumor has it that one of your opponents got his hands on some papers showing that almost a year later, you still owe the back taxes – plus penalties and interest!  Boy those Feds play rough don’t they?  Oh, but hey – Sir, maybe you’ll get lucky and the voters won’t hear about this!

Oh and one more thing Mr. Wallis – Sir, I can’t seem to find anything that shows you voted in the last primary or general election.  But hay Sir – I know what a busy man you are. I bet after the voters learn how important you are, and how busy you are playing in that rock & roll band and all that stuff – they will probably understand why you didn’t vote in 2008 or 2006 or 2004 or 2002 or 2000 or 1998 or 1996 or ever-

Oh I wouldn’t worry about it Sir – you know how picky voters can be.  They seem to think that if you are going to ask for their vote, you should at least be a voter yourself!  But hey – when they learn how busy you are Sir – running that big important company and stuff, they will probably understand. Ah – Mr. Wallis – Sir, what did you say the name of your business is?

Oh, but hey — listen!  I know you’re busy!  If this is too much for you right now — I mean — tell you what.  I’ll come back tomorrow.  Give you some time to get these things together, you know?  I mean, I know you’re busy.  I’ll just let myself out.  I’ll be back tomorrow.  And the day after. . .

What’s that Mr. Wallis?  Who wants to know these things? It’s the tax paying voters in Precinct 4 Sir.  They’re beginning to question your – “qualifications”.

written by – a Columbo Admirer

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